A couple months ago I got the email for auditions and I wasn’t going to go at all because I figured I’d never get into the show. And really, wasn’t being rejected once enough? But then I wrote that post about my mother and the feedback was so touching and the reach was so far that I thought I owed it to that piece (yes, you can owe your writing something) to go and read it aloud.
I wasn’t nervous at all until just before I went in, because suddenly in the audition lineup I saw I was sandwiched between professionals that I look up to greatly and thus began to feel those nagging feelings of unworthiness that have plagued me forEVAH! You know the ones: I shouldn’t be here. This is NYC, who do I think I am? I’m not a real writer/actor/blogger (fill in the blank). Yeah, those.
But I read and I really felt what I was reading and I thought perhaps they did too.
When I left the audition I still wasn’t sure I would be chosen, but I was delighted to find I actually didn’t care. I don’t mean I didn’t care in the way that the show no longer meant anything because it very much does. It is an incredible show with outstanding producers whom I know firsthand put their souls into it and I would be elated to be a part of it. So no, it wasn’t that I no longer cared about being part of the show, rather it was that I no longer cared about their choice. It was as if, make the lineup or not, it was no longer a reflection of my own worthiness. That audition flipped some sort of switch in me that allowed me to realize my worth was separate from whatever the result of that, or any audition (or interview or application). It no longer mattered what outside people thought of me. I knew what I knew about myself.
So then I got rejected. Oh, you thought all this enlightenment would lead a different way? Sorry. As a rejection note, it was possibly the nicest letter I’ll ever receive as it was quite complimentary of my work, but it was still a thanks-but-no-thanks note anyway you slice it.
And you know what I thought when I read it?
You know what really surprised me? I really meant it.
I really did think they were losing out by not choosing me. I don’t think it in a spiteful stick-out-my-tongue way, but instead it’s very matter-of-fact. I’m sure the show will be fantastic. I will probably still go see it and I think everyone local should go too. I know the women who are putting it together made what they thought were the best choices according to some magic formula for great shows. But I still think they, and all the audience who will come to see the show, are missing out not choosing me.
Perhaps my piece wasn’t the best (or even close). Perhaps my piece wasn’t the right ingredient for this particular secret sauce. But me? I have a story to tell. We all do. We all have stories and they make us who we are. Our stories are our value and we all benefit when they are shared. So, even if my story didn’t fit into the equation, it is not a reflection of my value or my worth. And, it just may be a loss for all who won’t hear.
That thinking change is one I will take any day.
I think this shift came as a result of the incredible weekend I had with my fellow coaches of The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I spent two days reigniting my passion for health and cementing my mission to help people love themselves and live their best lives. We all have stories to share and I would love to hear yours. I’ve arranged my schedule this week to make time for you stories. Please contact me to schedule your complimentary Jump Start session. If you are ready for a shift of welcome change, don’t wait. You’re worth it.
P.S. Looking for more parenting guidance and tips for self-care? Check out From Chaos to Calm a guided training to help you feel better in this tough season.