Today the sadness came. I’ve done a good job keeping it at bay. I’ve embraced the change. I’ve focused on what we gain instead of what we’re losing. But today, it was time to say the goodbye I didn’t even know I was dreading all along. The goodbye to my mom.
She died four years ago this May, so technically I’ve already said goodbye. But I realized today that even though she’s gone, I have kept her spirit alive through the familiar streets she walked, home she loved and church where she prayed.
When I go to New Jersey I will no longer be able to replicate the warmth I feel when I shadow her long standing Saturday morning routine of Starbucks for coffee and Giant for groceries. I won’t be able to drive my two oldest kids down East Light Drive and say, “you used to sit right in that window and she’d read to you for hours because she loved it so much.” I won’t be able to attend Mass at St. Camillus when I need to feel her near me.
This is why the sadness came today. Because I didn’t realize before exactly what I was leaving behind. Of course I’ll miss my family and all my great friends. I’ll miss the beauty of Silver Spring and the routines of our life here. I have always been good at keeping people’s spirits alive-I’ve had a lot of practice. I don’t worry that my children won’t know my mother. They will- I will see to that. Still, I am sad that I can not take solace in the memories of her home anymore.
I must say goodbye to the streets where she walked, the home where she loved and the church where she prayed.
I have embraced the change and focused on what we are gaining instead of what we are losing. But today all I can see is the saying goodbye to my mom part- and it is very, very sad.
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