This was originally posted a few years ago. The Newlyweds now have a baby and we are heading into our 15th anniversary. Still, I feel exactly the same. What do you think about these marriage musings? I’d love to hear from you.
I spent the weekend with my husband in the college town where we fell in love what seems like 100 years ago. It was not his college, but he visited me enough that I consider it our town.We were accompanied by a couple of newlyweds, which of course led my stroll down memory lane back to the year I was in their shoes.
It made me shudder.
I adore my husband. We met (and some would say married) when we were kids and have grown up together. The Husband has become an even better man than I expected and let me assure you, I expected a lot.
But that first year? I don’t even like to think of it. I was lonely, disillusioned, frustrated and gaining weight by the second as I ate my way through all the fear and uncertainty.
We were engaged for a year and we thought we were very realistic about married life. We had talked ad nauseum about what we wanted. We knew what our job plans were. We worked out our financial ideas. We talked about when to have kids, how many we wanted and what we would do when they came. We knew each other inside and out.
We didn’t get caught up in the wedding hype, we were just excited to start our lives as a team.
Then we came home from the honeymoon and began crashing into one another at every turn. This strange man moved into my apartment and he was kinda dirty and a little self-absorbed. Even worse, this man’s wife, who was formerly fiercely independent, fun-loving and laid back, suddenly morphed into a needy, nagging brat.
It seems we had prepared for the big stuff, but we didn’t count on how much trouble taking out the trash or leaving the toothpaste cap off would cause. We started to be unrecognizable to each other and the sense of permanence was terrifying.
All these years later we can look back and laugh at it but back then, it was one long year.
The good news is we survived and I would argue, it is because of that year that we are strong today. Back then all we had to worry about was the toothpaste cap and who paid the cable bill. We didn’t think so then, but our problems were pretty small. This mean we got a chance to learn how to fight without too many distractions.
That may sound weird, but let’s be real; in marriage, you fight. And, from my perspective, there is some unwritten rule that you treat your spouse worse than anyone else in your life and expect way more from them in return, so the fighting can get ugly.
If you’re not careful, every little pet peeve can become a slight and every slight can become perceived as purposeful hurt.
What we did that first year is figure out when to politely draw the line and when we needed to move the line further down the road. I gave up expecting The Husband to read my mind and he decided to be more forgiving when I reminded him to do stuff over and over and over. I know he’s not doing things on purpose and he knows I don’t think he’s a dope or worse vindictively forgetting to put clothes in hamper.
What we did that first year is figure out when to politely draw the line and when we needed to move the line further down the road. I gave up expecting The Husband to read my mind and he decided to be more forgiving when I reminded him to do stuff over and over and over. I know he’s not doing things on purpose and he knows I don’t think he’s a dope or worse vindictively forgetting to put clothes in hamper.
Back then, we let go of our egos and stripped away the layers of miscommunication when garbage was the biggest of our troubles. Thank heavens, because now we hash it out over much larger obstacles and without the security of knowing that we are still on the same home team, I am not sure we would survive.
These days our problems are heavier and we have the added bonus of constant children background noise to remind us that not only do we need to figure our stuff out, but we are being watched while we do it. Thus, we are passing on a model of relationships to the next generation.
Kids make it hard to be self-absorbed. You can’t really microfocus anymore on your spouse’s behavior because you need each other too much to tear each other apart. Not to mention, you (should) consider your spouse through your children’s eyes. That makes it easier to see the disagreement as just a disagreement, instead of a potentially fatal character flaw.
That doesn’t mean we don’t fight and annoy each other (sometimes daily) or that our egos don’t rear their ugly heads from time to time. It just means that it is more important than ever that we are on the same team so we remind ourselves of that every time which makes the fighting shorter and easier to move beyond. Our arguments tend to be fairly superficial, short lived and much quieter than they used to be. The real stuff, the heavy stuff, is done in an environment of kindness and concern rather than anger and accusation. We did learn, after having kids, that sleep deprivation can do a number on our normally reasonable selves. So, we instituted the nothing after midnight counts rule. We get ugly at 3am.
We are still a work in progress, The Husband and I, but we have discovered that the work isn’t all bad and the progress is usually a fine payoff in the end.
Here we are, three kids later and 11 years into this and while I never want to go back, I wouldn’t trade that newlywed year for the world.
I could go for another honeymoon though. I think we’ve earned it.
P.S. Looking for more parenting guidance and tips for self-care? Check out From Chaos to Calm a guided training to help you feel better in this tough season.
aren't first years fun? my first year of marriage coincided with my first credit card, ever. fun times.
Whoa-that’s danger Will Robinson!
"Kids make it hard to be self-absorbed. You can't really microfocus anymore on your spouse's behavior because you need each other too much to tear each other apart. Not to mention, you (should) consider your spouse through your children's eyes. That makes it easier to see the disagreement as just a disagreement instead of a potentially fatal character flaw." i just adore this entire paragraph. a great reminder too so thank you!
Sure. Now I just have to repeat it to myself over and over again.:)
I love the honesty of this post. This is AWESOME! I love the rule that anything said after 3 am doesnt count – LOL! I also agree w/ you that for some odd reason we treat our spouses the worst out of everyone. my husband and i know this about ourselves. everyone goes ga-ga over how nice we are out in the world, but we are so nitpicky and insensitve with EACHOTHER sometimes, but we work on it everyday. we've realized we just feel so comfortable being real w/ each other and know that whatever we do or say, the other will never get pushed away.
The way you describe your relationship with your husband puts words to the way I'd describe mine. He IS my best friend and total soul mate.
btw – that photo is beautiful. you are one hot tamale young lady!! 🙂 whooooo hooooo!
Thank you. What the heck is that, the ability to tear up the ones you love? We are especially adept in the middle of the night!
There is some beautiful security in knowing that someone will be around no matter what you do. It’s just a huge responsibility not to take that for granted.
Ok so you are back to makeing me cry at work:) To use a Granma Toni phrase, you really are blessed and lucky to have actually fallen in love with your best friend.
I’m not sure it’s luck so much as hard work, but yes he is a good one.