I am having a had a hard time writing because lately I am having a hard time figuring out what to say.
Last week, a baby was born and a husband died. In the first case, I don’t even know the parents-in the traditional sense. I have read about them only on their blog. In the later, I haven’t laid eyes on the family in years. I grew up down the street with the wife and in Maryland would see her and her girls in church every week. We would smile. That’s it.
It doesn’t seem to matter-time nor distance-I still feel so much for all these people.
For the parents of the new baby-extreme joy and also a tinge of sadness. See, the baby girl that was born is healthy and beautiful, but she is born into a house that is missing her big sister. It was barely a year ago that her parents had another baby girl who was quickly stolen from them by death. So while they celebrate their newest daughter, I am sure they also ache for their first.
For the wife who lost her husband, I am angry and profoundly sad. It is hard not to imagine her days. She has to wake in a bed he no longer keeps warm. She has to carry on with the daily tasks of mothering, knowing she can not share them with her best friend at the end of the day. She must try to reconcile the drastic change that mere hours can bring to your life all the while planning for what lays ahead-the unknown of alone.
What I feel mostly though, which is why it is hard to write, is guilt. I feel guilty that I feel so much for people I barely know anymore or never really knew at all. I know it seems strange, but it is as if I don’t have the right for such sadness or joy when I did not connect more in time of normal. I know it doesn’t make sense but it is there.
I also feel guilt that while I complain about my perfectly healthy kids who can sometimes try my patience, or my husband who gets home late and falls asleep on the couch, there are families out there who do not have the luxury of my day to day. My children are not only alive, but thriving and yet some days I still want to run from the house screaming. My husband is happy and healthy and I still can’t stand him sometimes. Feeling that-and knowing there are people that would trade all my frustration for just one more second with their child or their spouse breaks my heart with guilt.
Knowing that in the same dark morning I have to force myself to get up dressed because I am so tired there is a woman out there who is also forcing herself to get up and get dressed and she probably has to remind herself just to keep breathing.
I know problems and frustrations and sorrow and joy are all relative. You own your own-no matter what goes on in others’ houses. And guilt, like worry, is a useless emotion. Guilt doesn’t make anything better or help anyone move ahead.
So, today I will not feel guilty about my sorrow or my joy. I will smile for The Spohrs and I will weep for Ali and her girls. It matters not that I know them. It matters only that I care.
Here I go again at 11pm…I was just reading on the internet about Rascal Flatt's song "Here" (not a fan, but don't mind some of their songs.) In any event, he wrote the song shortly after his son died in a tragic accident. Some of the words I thought would help you get through some of the things you are feeling. I'm totally paraphrasing, but basically he is saying that no matter the roads he took to get "Here" they were worth it to have met and loved his son. He said he (sorry I forget his name) wrote the song mainly as a love song, but always with his son in the back of his mind. If I had heard the song w/o knowing the backstory I totally would have taken it as a love song, but now knowing the backstory the song takes on a whole new meaning. Look up the words they are worth the read!
Cathy
I love both of these comments. I am glad you both "rambled" they are words that matter. I am blessed to have you!
There is a family at the dance school who just lost their mom the day before Thanksgiving. I have never personally taught the girls, but they have always been such nice, pleasant girls. I look at them and their father everytime they are at the dance studio and want to cry. I often wonder how they get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. I can not even imagine losing my mother now let alone when I was barely a teenager. My heart aches for them constantly. Whenever my life starts to get overwhelming for me I always sit back and think how God has blessed my life and how lucky I am to live the life I lead. You've definitely struck a chord with this post, but I think all we can do is take a deep breathe, realize how lucky we are and be thankful for all that is good in the world and try not to focus on the negative. After all if people who have experienced tragedy can live on we owe it to them to appreciate all that is good in our lives and in our world.
Cathy
So sorry don't know where all that came from! I should not be allowed on the computer this late at night…I start to become philosophical!
ugh and oh! to celebrate a birth while also grieving a death. no wonder you're in flux. i feel the way you described about the devastation in haiti. here i sit having dinner with lots of food and water and whatever i want really with more for my children than is even necessary while some families are torn apart there forever. i have donated and donated again to causes helping bring medicine and food but guilt keeps pouring through me (with special reference for the children orphaned by the quakes.) as i sit here and carry on w/my days trying to not think about those suffering. i agree w/you in that guilt is useless so i'm searching for a better option that is more useful to myself and to others. sorry for rambling…someone should have my keyboard removed.