Gooooaaallll

All of this over thinking makes a girl glassy-eyed and tired.

I figured it out.
For the last few months I’ve felt a little uninspired and now I know why. It seemed the more opportunity that came my way, the more I had a hard time writing. Lately, I’ve really just a hard time doing much of anything beyond going through the motions of my day. When this has happened in the past, this professional malaise,  I would cut and run. I’d quit whatever it was I was doing under the assumption that the path I was pursuing was the wrong one for me. I’d reevaluate and move to the left or right and then move forward toward other goals.  And so for a brief minute, after I’d over-analyzed my “next steps” and “strategic plans and future goals” for blogging,  I decided I’d quit all of it and just get back to the business of being a mom for now.  I’d even written about how much I love that job and didn’t want any other.
But something didn’t feel right about that move this time.I do love being a mom and can’t think of a better job for me at this time, but I also can’t imagine not writing here (almost) every day. I have been a writer my whole life. Even before there was a blog, there were notebooks and journals. I have piles of unsent letters  and scraps of paper that I grabbed from a nightstand so that I could purge my thoughts and get back to sleep. I communicate through writing. I think through writing. I fret, and worry and rage and heal through writing. Sometimes, I breathe through writing. I can’t quit this “job” because it is who I am.
So what then? My inclination is to figure out what’s next. It is difficult for me to just BE somewhere at any moment. I am compelled to constantly look and move forward.
Here’s the catch: I’m not sure what forward is and I actually enjoy just being right here. I have no idea if I want to write a book. I have no idea if I even want to pursue being published in any way. I know I want to pursue a life that involved charity but I’m not sure I have to use this blog to do it. I know I want to continue learning and sharing but it doesn’t have to be here. I know I want to keep growing in my fiscal maturity and shrink in my waistline but it doesn’t have to be in front of everyone.
The fact is, I don’t need a strategic plan for this blog. I started it to save some of the paper I used for the unsent letters and scraps with ideas. I wanted to lessen the clutter of my journals and keep it all online. I started for me. I started to write.  Then when I realized people were reading and maybe even getting a bit out of what I had to say, that is what compelled me to wake every morning and share my thoughts. The very idea that my crazy might help someone else feel better? Well, that was just the icing on the cake.
When I reflect back, it was only when I started thinking of this as something greater than I ever intended  that I lost all inspiration. I got caught up in The Purpose of my writing and my goals for myself as a writer and who my audience “should” be and all that did was, quite frankly, lead to some crappy writing an a very frustrated writer.
So now? Well,  maybe I’ll write about what’s next. Maybe I’ll write about how we’re moving from recovery to growth financially around here and it scares the crap out of me. Maybe I’ll bring charity to the front and center and share some of the amazing organizations and people I’ve been exposed to. Maybe I’ll bring my constant struggle with my fat ass to all you lucky readers (no pictures I promise). Maybe, I’ll write about how I’ve discovered the joy and The Joy of cooking. Maybe, I’ll just write about how the heck we get to school when there are still two feet of snow on the ground.
Maybe I won’t write any of it. All I know is I can’t quit writing. Ever.
So, with this new year I will not have a strategic plan. I will not have a list of blogging goals. But I can tell you I will write and I will think (and over think and probably over share) and I will hopefully make some of you feel better because there is someone out there even loonier than you. Because, after all, isn’t the icing the best part of the cake?