The Girl just came home from a walk into town with a friend and she brought me what she called an early birthday gift. It was small piece of copper with a note that said it was good for healing purposes. That gift was obvious. She’s pretty sick of me taking up the comfy spot on the sectional sofa and hogging the good television all week. She’s ready for post-op recovery to end and she’s hoping the copper will speed it along. I get it.
Her second little gift got me thinking. It was a small silver stone with the word growth printed on it. She told me she bought it because I always have a word for every year and she thought maybe it would be a good one for 2015. I laughed a little at her insight and went on my merry way (back to my couch, as it were).
Here is the thing. I do always pick a word for the new year but I hadn’t really gotten around to that this year. I had toyed with the idea of kitchen, because I really want to get back into mine. I have lost my culinary way a bit this last year as I juggled full time work and school and I think it has taken a detrimental toll on my waistline and my soul. I love cooking, really, really love it, and the absence of it has left a hole in my life that I need to try to refill in 2015.
So, kitchen or cook or something of that nature seemed good. Then, she brought me the growth stone and I had second thoughts. I mean, I can assure you, growth is not my word for 2015 because I can not possibly grow in any other damn direction. Growth is actually more of a life-mantra than a word for the year. The Husband and I committed long ago to do what we needed to just keep growing. Right now, I’m in school. I’m working full time at a challenging job. I am navigating life as a mom of three “older” kids. I’m figuring out what to do with the business I built before going back to work with someone else. I’ve taken community positions that require skills and brainpower that aren’t always readily accessible! I’m working on financial security and maintaining a thriving marriage. I’m pretty damn worn out from all the growing I keep trying to do. I don’t want to stop, but I don’t think it needs to be where I put my focus either.
So, thanks Girl, but not this year. I’ll keep my pretty stone as a reminder of what we always hope to do not what I want more of this year.
I think for 2015 I might just get a little selfish with my word. Instead of working on how to give more or improve more or go outside of myself more, I’ll instead turn in and try to treat myself the way I always try to and preach about treating others: kind and fair and well.
I sometimes say to my kids when they are hard on themselves, “Hey, no one is allowed to talk about my children that way. So stop.”. Now it’s time for me to hold the same standard for myself.
No more focusing on how much I messed up or forgot/failed to do. No more listing my short-comings and berating myself for what did not happen. No more talking to or about myself in a way I would NEVER allow someone else to talk about a person I loved.
No more.
This year, I’ll be kind to me. I’ll love me. I’ll reach out and accept me, exactly as I am, in a constantly growing state.
And maybe, there just might be some growth after all.
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