I wanted to write about the Oklahoma Fraternity horror today, but I can’t find the words. I’m still feeling all the stuff over it and that means writing a coherent sentence isn’t in my wheelhouse today. So, instead I’ll revive this post about the accidental bigotry lesson I found myself in riding in our car one day. I sure hope what I did means my kids will never be caught on a bus chanting evil things about people. Gross.
The other day, driving through town, my son called from the back of the van, “you know the problem with Hispanic people? (Chest tightening.) They all look the same so you can’t tell who is on the street.” (Stomach heaving.)
After my initial instinct to vomit in my mouth, I turned to the reaction I thought appropriate which was to scold him and convey in my best stern mom voice how inappropriate a thing it was to say. I caught myself though, and reminded my rattled brain that this was my sweet eight year old boy who thus far had not displayed one ounce of racism or bigotry with any kid he’d encountered.
So, I started with a question about why he would say that and what exactly he meant. Turns out, he thought he saw his friend K. as we were driving by, but couldn’t really tell if it was him so he was embarrassed that he may have waved to a stranger.
Ah.
Then I asked another question about all his little blond friends and if he thought they all looked alike. (They do.) Then I reminded him that I routinely put my hand on one of his sister’s friend’s heads and try to lead her to my car at school pickup at least once a week-mistaking her for my own kid.
“So should we say all white kids look alike?”
“Well, no because they ALL don’t, mom.”
Then I asked him to compare the Latino kids on his baseball team and tell me if they looked alike. They don’t.
“So, really, do all Latino or Hispanic kids look alike?”
“No, they don’t. But that kid did look like K!.”
“Fair, but all of them?”
“No.”
Then, in my little mini-van with my little crew of white kids, I launched into stereotypes and how they are dangerous and often unkind. Now, my 8-year-old does not go down without a fight, so as you might imagine this conversation was wrought with tension and arguments such as, if these statements are true (“white or brown, these kids look alike mom!”) why are they bad to say?
Trying to explain inherent racism and bigotry to three kids under eleven was challenging and I questioned my decision the entire time. I thought I wanted to raise my kids to view the worlds’ citizens as equal. We chose our town purposely for its diversity because I feared raising kids in an area where they never saw any color. I had the great fortune of growing up around a variety of people and I wanted the same for my kids.
But I constantly question how much to expose them to on the flip side. Can I just show them models of what’s right or do they need to know the ugly in order to avoid it?
After the Trayvon Martin verdict, two women wrote incredible pieces on their perspectives on the aftermath of this case. What I’m thinking, after reading both Amy and Janeane, is that in this case, exposure to good might not be enough. Instead of raising my kids to view everyone as equal, I have to raise them to be NOT racist. Because racism is learned and so is the opposite.
As a mom of white kids, I will probably never worry about them being shot walking through my neighborhood. I won’t have to teach them, in the same way as my friends, how to behave with authority for fear of retribution and I won’t have to explain that their clothing choices might cost them their life.
I could feel guilty about all of this-our accidental privilege. Hell, I have felt guilty about it over the years. But instead, I’ll choose responsibility over guilt. What’s the saying? With great privilege comes great responsibility? As a mom of white kids my responsibility is not just to raise them in an environment of equality, but to teach them our history (because it is all our history), so we don’t repeat it in any way.
Guilt is a useless, but fighting ignorance is not.
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Conversations like this with your kids makes a difference, especially if it is repeated and repeated and repeated. It is not a one time conversation and it must be in the context of your family and town and city and state–at least this is what I found when raising my kids. There are also wonderful programs out there, hidden in plain site, for kids (especially in highschool) about educating kids on bias and racism and anti-semitism. We had our son in a wonderful year long leadership program that paired black and jewish teens for a life-changing experience called Cultural Leadership in St. Louis, MO.
I had to read this twice before commenting. This was brilliant, Cristie. Just brilliant. I love how you understand the responsibility and accept it. I’m seeing quite a few of my non-African American friends saying that they’re kids aren’t taught about racism, so they are doing the best they can to erase it. The issue is that they need to be taught. They need to know what racism is such an issue, how the mindset of some can hurt others, and that they are good people for acknowledging the wrong and wanting to be what’s right in the world. You are doing a great job with your kids and I’m so proud to know you.
Thank you so much. I think it’s such a tough topic for many of my counterparts (and me still too!) because we’re all afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing. I just decided it was time to stop being quiet and march head on into it. Reading Janeane’s post about our history really hit home because it ALL of our history and while that used to frighten me away because I didn’t want to claim the abhorrent behavior of the past, there really is no way to ensure we not repeat it. So, here we go-for better or worse. I’m so glad to have your endorsement.
Thanks so much for this post. As a (white) person who studies race, I can tell you from research that you did something SO important with your son: you opened the conversation with a question. Too often white people are afraid of being racist and afraid to talk about race, and we convey to our children that even noticing race is bad. We shut down the conversation because we are uncomfortable with what kids notice or comment on. But e will not be able to work against racism if we are not able to name it and discuss it! By opening that space for dialogue, you are helping to lay the groundwork for anti-racism and social justice!
I’m glad to hear you say this as somewhat of an authority, because I really feel like I’m out of my league with this part of parenting! Thanks!
I liked this post. What your son said in the car about all the people looking alike is something that all young kids will say about kids and people of another race. I like the way you talked to him and taught him right and wrong on the spot. That is how we make the world a better place, we congratulate them on the right and correct them on the wrong. Mothers can make a difference in the world by making a difference in our children.
Thank you Janeane. I’m trying.:)
This is a lovely post. It’s clear you have little to feel guilty about, but we can use all the allies we can get. Thanks for having thoughtful conversations with your kids. It’s always funny how their thought processes work.
Thank you, Christy. I just want nothing more than to raise good people. They do make it tricky sometimes.;)
I knew I liked you— but this proves why. It’s so hard to work through those stereotypes w kids. I have family members who make it even harder, derailing my gentle lessons. Happened yesterday when my 9yr old was singing I Can’t Change by Macklemore. The “adult” family member thought it was ridiculous he was singing it and chalked it up to him not knowing better. Of course, he knows better and I love that we’ve worked through that lesson already. Good going!!
IT does seem there are obstacles at every turn, right? Keep fighting mama!
Thanks so much for writing this. I also thought that just raising my kids in a diverse environment, like I was raised, would ensure that they would grow up to be respectful, caring people when it comes to race. But I’ve been reflecting on some of the completely dumb-ass things I used to say. I eventually learned on my own, but I want my own kids to get there faster. :-/
Exactly, Amy! I was raised with just exposure and understanding too, but I was the same-still battling my own self until I wised up! I want my kids to do it better than I.