Where did my thoughts go

Thoughtful.
This is a word that has been watered down too much. I try only to use thoughtful to describe people when I feel like it gets to the essence of who they are: someone who really thinks of the needs, feelings and well-being of other people and then acts on those thoughts.

The actions don’t have to involve grand gestures. They can be picture messages on your phone when see something that makes you think of a person. They can be texts, emails or if you want to get fancy cards, balloons, even flowers.
Thoughtfulness goes a long way. At least with me.

I have a new brother in law who before he was even close to being a brother in law (was merely a boyfriend) sent me a book in the mail. It was no ordinary book. It was a book by Cal Ripken, one of my personal heroes. Not only did B.I.L think to buy and send me the book because he remembered my love of Cal. But, he waited in line. In a BOSTON bookstore. To get the copy autographed by Mr. Ripken (NOT a Redsox player) himself. During his lunch hour.

He (the B.I.L-not Cal) always blushes when I tell this story because the autograph effort proved unsuccessful. (They cut off the line right before he got to the front.) This is what he focuses on-no autograph. What I focus on is that this kid, who barely knew me, not only remembered that I loved Cal Ripken, but took time out of his day to wait around for something that meant a lot to me, but could have easily gone undone without notice.

For all you skeptics out there, I already loved this kid, he had no need to butter me up to win family points. Nope no need-just pure thoughtfulness.

I used to be thoughtful. I used to remember birthday cards. I used to buy little gifts for people if something made me think of them. I used to drop notes or leave sweet messages.

Then I had kids and my brain came out with the placenta.

It’s not that I don’t think of people. I do. Often actually. I have stacks of magazine articles, clippings, pictures, and cards that I have cut out, snapped or bought over the last few years when someone crosses my mind. I THINK of the people I love all the time actually. I just lost my follow through and my planning somewhere in my growing up process.

I used to love Christmas because I would shop forever for exactly the right gift for everyone on my list. I would listen all year and then remember that thing they said they were dying for in June. Then I’d track it down and surprise them with it in December.

Now, I am one of those people who wakes up one morning and goes, “how the heck did it get to be the 24th?” Christmas gives me anxiety because not only do I not have time to devote to shopping like I want to, but I lack the funds or the foresight to buy exactly the right things. I have become a bit of a grinch-at least internally.

I used to be Thoughtful. Now I’m just a collection of scattered thoughts, half-baked ideas, piles of should sends and a list of started but not finished projects.

Is this what motherhood does? It forces you to hyper focus your brain activity on keeping all the children’s plates spinning so you are incapable of seeing anything else through? I know this isn’t true for all mom’s. I see them, the ones who are head of every organization, cook gourmet meals and throw the greatest birthday bashes ever. What are they doing that I need to copy? Or do they feel like they aren’t getting it all done either?

I usually don’t complain about motherhood (much). I usually cut myself some slack in the She Who Can Do It All category. But lately, I’m feeling pretty self-absorbed, or at least-kid absorbed and I hate it.

Maybe I should stop whining about it and go write a note or make a call.

First let me just get to the dishes, make the toddler lunch, then pick up The Boy from school, then…