Ever have those days where you’re just in a mood and you don’t know why? I had one last week. I can’t explain why. I just knew that I was feeling defeated and unsatisfied, and unhappy. There was no obvious reason. I mean except all the obvious reasons. Overall though, the week had gone well and life is pretty good. That didn’t stop the mood.
My best friend said it was my nomad soul. Via text she counseled me that I’d always feel a bit unsatisfied on this earth because I’d always have someplace else I felt the need to go. That’s daunting.
Saturday I woke up to a few emails reminding me of my failures, or opportunities lost. Call them what you will, they pushed me deeper down. I shopped in the pouring rain-three stores for cake flour. I came home to exercise, and nearly fainted. My anger confirmed my thoughts on this particular program. It ain’t for me.
Then I was reminded of something about this day and it jerked me into proper shape about my own gifts and life of fullness.
I baked a cake. There is something about baking that forces me to slow down and pay attention in a way few other things do. It was a tricky recipe and I was nervous at first, snapping at the kids to get out of my kitchen, when all they wanted was to hang around to lick beaters, as all kids do.
Thinking not of my own baby but of Anna’s Jack, I settled into the motions of baking and I could feel all of my anger and frustration release. I moved from muscle memory around my kitchen. I realized as I reached for things, out of habit, that this place must be starting to feel like home.
It was a few hours where any failures didn’t matter. It was a few hours where I was totally good enough. In that time I had everything I needed. I remembered that I was right where I was supposed to be-nomad soul and all. How lucky is that?
At the end of my time in the kitchen, I stood over the sink and could hear all three kids playing a game in another room. All three. Getting along . There were giggles and some yelling, but it was all good fun. The Husband was home. The kids were happy. We were dry and warm and whole. Our lives, were very, very good.
There’s the gratitude. I knew it was there somewhere.
P.S. Looking for more parenting guidance and tips for self-care? Check out From Chaos to Calm a guided training to help you feel better in this tough season.