My husband is lovely. No, I’m not trying to kiss up. (Although he just might take me to San Francisco in a few weeks so maybe I should polish up the kissing up skills.)
Today, I’m remembering he is lovely because he is ever so patient with my constant twists and turns on the road of reinvention. He is so patient in fact that while he often sees well ahead of me where I am going next, he lets me stumble there all my own without pushing or getting in the way.
The other night I had my semi-regular state of myself meltdown and he finally got frustrated.
“What do you want to REALLY do?” He asked. (Or maybe yelled, but whatever.)
“I want to write and do all of the resource/education stuff I want THROUGH my writing.”
“Well, then what’s the problem? Why don’t you just do it?”
My answer was something along the lines of, “Uh. I. Er. Um. I”)
The reality is, I’m sick of changing my mind. I’m embarrassed to go down one path and then decide to jerk the other direction when I feel something new. The problem is, I throw myself into everything I do whole heartedly, that when I change direction it must seem like I’m crazy. People must be so sick of it by now!
To this, he replied in his sagest of tones,
“Cris, you haven’t ever changed your mind. You’ve always known what you wanted you just keep creating work arounds because you’re scared or your don’t want to inconvenience anyone or you think it’s impractical.”
Uh, so? Wanna make something of it mister?
For the record, I have pointed similar things out to him as well. Isn’t it funny how sometimes your spouse sees you more clearly than you do yourself? Maybe they can just admit it sooner because they are not bogged down with all the baggage that keeps us from facing ourselves.
So yeah, he is right. Very right. (He’s probably printing this out right now to hang on his wall.) I say I started this blog as a way to keep in touch with my family when I moved. But the truth is I started it because I had all this writing stored up that I finally wanted to share. Even if no one ever came here, I felt like just typing it somewhere other than my own MS Word files was a step I needed to take.
I was working another job when I started writing here that wasn’t quite a fit but did teach me a lot about pursuing your passion and doing what you love.
Since The Traveling Circus began I’ve pursued a few different jobs as a way of finding my way and the simple fact is the one thing that has remained constant, the one thing I put time into and never resent no matter what else is going on, the one thing I love-dare I say with passion- is writing this blog.
I love the writing. I love the picture taking. I love the people I’ve met and the places I’ve seen as a result.
Most importantly, I love the feedback I’ve gotten. The messages of relief I get from readers who say, “thank God I know I’m not the only one” are the things that fuel my heart.
Funny, in the journey over the last two years to find my way, it turns out my passion was here all the time. My husband saw it years ago. I was just unwilling to see or maybe admit it because sometimes admitting what you really want to do is terrifying.
But really, isn’t everything in life that turns out great a little scary at first?
So we’re embarking on some changes around here. I’ll let you in on more as they come. Know that we’re not going anywhere in pursuit of something new. We’re just enhancing what has been here all along.
P.S. Looking for more parenting guidance and tips for self-care? Check out From Chaos to Calm a guided training to help you feel better in this tough season.