I’m in a state. I’m not sure if it’s the heat or the fact that I’ve put myself out there for two different things lately that I really want but can’t stop thinking I just won’t get. I’m usually Ms. Positive. I work hard at it, mind you, but I do try every day to stay in the place of what is good. It would be easy to slide into the place of focusing on all that is wrong, because there is plenty of room there. But instead I choose to focus on all that is right.
Today I’m sick of being fat. I’m tired of being the person who MUST exercise every single day or I gain three pounds. I’m tired of exercising and hating it. I’m tired of thinking about exercise. I’m tired of the one exercise I actually enjoy not being good for weight loss. I’m sick of being fat. Did I mention that?
Today I’m sick of being broke. I’m tired of worrying every second about money and having to plot out exactly how to pay for teachers’ gifts because we actually don’t just have $15 lying around. I’m tired of answering the questions about why we don’t have this or why we can’t do that. I’m tired of constantly thinking, planning, worrying about money.
Today I’m sick of being in charge. I don’t want to buy birthday party presents or make sure everyone is covered in SPF. I’m sick of worrying whether there is too much sugar in the lunches or if that cough is anything more than allergies. I don’t want to wash other people’s socks or clean another damn dish that I didn’t use. I’m sick of being in charge. Did I mention that?
Today I’m sick of my life but mostly sick of this attitude. I hate when I get like this.
Never fear, it’s just a moment.
In fact later today when my sister calls in a lather because she’s read this and thinks it means I need to talk (Which I never do. I do this instead.) I will be over it.
We’ll have spent the day at the beach and I’ll have forgotten that anything is wrong. The ocean has magical powers.
It’s only a moment, but right now it’s kicking my ass.
P.S. Looking for more parenting guidance and tips for self-care? Check out From Chaos to Calm a guided training to help you feel better in this tough season.